The Scars That Define Us Page 18

  “We are going to go and give you guys some space,” my dad tells us, pushing Bobby toward the door.

  Shadow looks at the blank TV screen on the wall, his hands running back and forth through his hair frantically.

  “I can’t be a father,” Shadow whispers.

  “Well, you are,” I say softly.

  “Look at me, look at what I am!” Shadow roars, his loud voice making me jump.

  He walks closer and leans into me. “I’m a fucking monster, a murderer. I live a life of hell. I don’t deserve you, and I sure as hell don’t deserve a child,” he whispers, his tone somber.

  “This is our child, Shadow, not the kid from down the road,” I snap, my tone clipped and cold.

  “You have been around me a couple of months and already have succumbed to my darkness. I’ve killed your innocence. How can you expect to keep a child safe around me?” Shadow wonders, his blue eyes looking right at me.

  “My violent urges were always a part of me, Shadow. Whether I’m around you, or the club, or the angry guy down the street, they were bound to come out,” I say, sitting up. “You have another side of you, just like I have another side to me. You will be a great father, you just have to give—”

  “I need some time to think,” Shadow interrupts.

  “What?” I ask in disbelief.

  Shadow leans in and kisses my forehead gently. “I need some time to process this, Dani,” Shadow says gravely before rushing out.

  I’M WHEELED INTO MY room by myself after Shadow leaves.

  “All right, so we will have to go about some medication for pain differently,” Doc says, her voice tender and caring. I stare at the ultrasound picture the nurse gave me of the little black and white dot, my mind going everywhere, not solely focusing on one thing or the other.

  “Everybody will get over it, and if not, they will when they see the baby,” she continues sweetly.

  I tear my eyes from the picture and give her a weak smile, not so sure of her optimism.

  “Are you keeping it?” she questions. I look out the dark window of the hospital room, her question playing repeat in my head. Should I keep it? There are so many reasons why I shouldn’t but most of all, this lifestyle isn’t safe for a child.

  “I’m going to get your arm casted and get you feeling better,” she promises, patting my leg, leaving me with my thoughts of neglect.

  ***

  Knocking at the door wakes me from my sleep. My body, protesting from its abuse, aches and burns with movement.

  “Dani, you have a visitor,” a nurse says, turning on the vibrant light, which makes me squint.

  I look at the window of the hospital and see the sun is just starting to rise; it could only be six in the morning, if that.

  “Sorry to wake you, Dani.” My sleep state is wiped clean as my pulse jumps to a gallop.

  I turn quickly in the bed, ignoring my hurting body.

  “Stevin, what are you doing here?” I ask shocked. Last time I saw him was when my mother hauled me off. I look him over. He’s dressed in black slacks and a blue button-down shirt and carrying a cup of coffee, but his face looks like shit. Like he has been overworked and hasn’t had enough sleep.

  “You need to leave, now. Security!” I holler, but the door is closed and I doubt anyone can hear me. He needs to get the hell out of my room before a club member sees him.

  I look around the bed for the emergency call light but can’t find it in the sheets and extra pillow the nurses brought me for comfort.

  “I just need a second of your time, please,” he begs, walking toward me, I glare at him. I cannot believe he and my mother were together, a common romance at work, only the work was to take down my father, and who cared if I got ran over in the process. I forget the call light and put my hand up for him to stop walking any closer. He stops abruptly and puts his hands up in surrender.

  “I’m not telling you shit,” I spit, my tone angry and cold.

  “Your mom is missing, Dani,” he responds loudly.

  “She was headed back to New York last time I talked to her,” I say, hoping he takes that info and runs out the door with it.

  “She was supposed to meet me back in New York, but she never arrived,” he exclaims, the lines of stress growing deeper around his mouth when he talks. I sit up a little more, curious. “I talked to her the night before her flight but haven’t heard from her since. She and the rental car are both missing from the hotel where she was staying.” He’s shaking his head as he speaks, seemingly not wanting to believe what he’s telling me.

  I bite my lip trying to think, but all I can wonder is how he knew I was here. Is the FBI following me?

  “How did you know I was here?” I ask.

  “Your attack was on the news; your coworker was interviewed and everything,” he explains, shrugging like I should know this.

  “Well, I haven’t seen or heard from my mother. Last time I saw her, I threatened to kill her if I saw her again,” I say, looking him right in the eye, my tone promising.

  He looks at me with a stunned expression. “Should I consider you a suspect in your mother’s disappearance, Dani?” he questions, tilting his head to the side.

  I laugh. “You can do whatever you want, but I can promise you I didn’t kill her.” I furrow my eyes at him, “not yet, anyways.”

  “Right. Well, I will find out what happened to your mother,” he threatens, his hand clenching his coffee cup tightly.

  “I think you better go,” I declare, scrunching my face with anger and pointing toward the door.

  He glares at me before turning on his over-polished shoes to leave.

  I fall back gently against my pillow. My mother is missing. I wonder if Shadow had anything to do with it, or if the group of people who attacked Babs and me got a hold of my mother.

  SHADOW

  I cannot believe I let this happen, I feel like I’m being kicked when I’m already down. What the fuck? My girl, my ol’ lady, is pregnant with my disgraced DNA. I am hardly the man Dani needs let alone one for a child. If I was a man, a fucking man like my father, I would have taken care of Dani when the shit hit the fan. But I didn’t; instead, I ran to a bottle of booze and tried to forget her with other women. Dani came home from the hospital today, and I don’t know what to fucking say to her. I grab another beer can and pop the top, the delicious bubbles fizzing and popping from the opening. I lie back down on the hood of my Mustang outside the apartment and look at the sky. It’s turning that grey color when the sun just starts to set.

  I hear heavy footsteps coming toward me but I don’t lift my head to look. I just sip on my beer, hoping the answer to how I’m supposed to feel will come along.

  “You going to drink yourself to feeling better?” Bull asks.

  “That’s the plan,” I sneer.

  “You’re going to fuck this up,” he declares, sitting on the hood next to me.

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, turning my head to look at him. I don’t really care to hear it, but I know he is going to tell me regardless.

  “When shit went south with Dani, you drank yourself into oblivion. It didn’t make you feel any better, and it sure as shit didn’t make you smarter. But it did make Dani run into the arms of another man,” he states, looking at me with that ‘I know what I’m talking about’ smirk.

  I look at him, curious how he knows about Dani and Parker. Probably Bobby, that man is as bad as Babs with gossip.

  I scoff and look back at the sky.

  “I know I did the same thing when shit got hard between me and Dani’s mother, and I lost her instead of figuring my shit out,” he confides, hitting my leg to get my attention. “Losing Dani’s mother was the worst regret I live with.”

  Knowing Dani’s mother, I beg to differ. I think losing her was probably for the best.

  “So, what are you saying?” I ask, my voice showing my irritation in his lecturing.

  “I know you think you would be a shitty paren
t, what with how your mother was and all, but regardless of what you think about yourself, you would be a great father. It’s not the end of the world; you choose to be in Dani’s life, it’s just the beginning.” Bull starts laughing, making me smirk.

  “Do you love her?” he asks.

  I sit up and look at him, thinking about his question. I do love Dani, even after everything that has happened. It’s fucking crazy. Bull’s right. Dani and I know what shitty parents are—we were raised by them. We know what not to do and know how to control urges that arise which may flow in the bloodstream to our child.

  “I do,” I insist, taking a sip of my beer.

  “Then don’t let her go. I can tell you, if you don’t make amends with this situation, she’s going to leave you and never look back.” My eyes snap to his. “A mother and child are something no man can make a woman choose between.” He scoots off the hood of my car and looks at me sternly.

  “Don’t fuck this up, Shadow.” He narrows his eyes at me as if warning me and walks toward the apartment building, to see Dani.

  I sigh loudly, crumpling the can in my hand before letting it hit the ground with the others.

  Seeing Dani try to move on last time made my heart almost cease beating. I felt the urge to feel again, like I needed to resort to my old ways of feeling—killing. Dani is my life, literally; keeps me alive and makes me feel. Losing her will more than end my existence.

  I groan and fall against the hood. I usually talk to Bobby about this shit. He’s been my family way before I knew what that word even meant, way before the club. I sit up and slide off the hood of my car. I climb in and start it, the engine purring with rage, wanting to be released. I pop the shifter into first gear and dump the clutch, letting the tires eat asphalt.

  I drive toward the club, not ready to talk to Dani. I want to talk to her but I need to talk to Bobby first, and I’m definitely not ready for that. How can I be a good father? I’m a machine, fueled by another’s blood. My curse is the need for control, the result, damaging everyone around me.

  Mine and Dani’s relationship is no love story with some happily ever after. What we have is real. It’s dark and it hurts. Dani is angelic on the outside, but she’s an angel with black wings. This is the life of hell we’ve redeemed for ourselves. Dani and I are both destined for nothing better than the road ahead full of twists and turns, and it’s no life for a child. Her being off the path her mother tried so hard to keep her on will do nothing but bring the sinner out in Dani, but at least that’s something I can relate to. I know a lot about sinning. It’s the only thing I can do right. I like to think being together we can navigate each other through the darkness which consumes our rationality. Both raised without the knowing of what love and nurturing is, it’s only natural we are going to screw up and lose our footing in the cruel world that consists of love.

  I fishtail it in the parking lot of the club, screeching to a halt in front of the doors, not giving a fuck that Bull hates it. I pop it into neutral and pull the keys out.

  “Bull is gonna kick your ass, pretty boy,” Hawk squawks at me, leaning against the building and coughing on a cigarette.

  I huff. “I’d like to see him try,” I say.

  I push the doors open to the club and hear some of the boys hooting and hollering at the bar. I look over and see Candy lying flat on her back, letting one of the other girls do a body shot off her chest. How did I ever find her sexy? She is plain revolting when I see her. I push the doors open to the chapel and sit down in one of the chairs, resting my elbows on the table and letting my head fall into my hands. I’m a mess.

  “Wanna play some cards?”

  I peer up and see Tom pulling a chair out beside me. He plops down and slaps down a stack of cards.

  “Looks like you need to take your mind off things,” he says, shuffling the cards.

  “Sure,” I agree, sitting up.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Not really,” I respond with a clipped tone.

  “Yeah, I heard,” he tells me, eyeing his hand.

  I look at my hand and notice I don’t have much of one.

  “Yeah and what’s that?” I question.

  Tom stops and looks at me over his hand of cards. I know what he heard, and he knows I know.

  “How about we don’t talk about that,” I say, eyeing him back.

  “You got it,” he smiles, picking up a card from the stack.

  “Bobby!” Candy cheers from the other room.

  “He’s in there?” I hear Bobby ask as his footsteps get louder, heading toward the double doors to the chapel.

  “Mind if I talk to Shadow alone for a sec?” Bobby asks, walking in.

  Tom looks at me for a second before setting his cards down on the table.

  “Sure.” Tom rises from his seat to leave. Bobby circles the table and sits across from me, his eyes piercing the side of my head.

  “Wanna talk about it?” Bobby asks, breaking the silence. His presence makes me angry; I’m not ready to talk about shit.

  I pull my pistol from its holster and lay it on the wooden table, the metal clanking against it as it sets.

  “Yeah, let’s talk,” I seethe.

  “You’re looking at this pregnancy all wrong. You are going to rock as a father, and Dani is going to be hot as hell pregnant,” he smirks, my gun facing him but not affecting him. He knows I won’t shoot him; not on purpose, anyway. I glare at him, because just the thought of him thinking Dani is hot pisses me off.

  We sit silently while I take in what he’s said.

  “You are going to be a great father, Shadow,” Bobby whispers. My eyes snap from my gun to his face. “Going to be a spitfire like his or her momma, and a fighter like you,” he says with a smile. I can’t help the smile that creeps across my own face at the thought of a little girl who looks just like Dani.

  This is going to be okay. Dani and I will be okay. Having a child with Dani is just more of Dani, something I’ll never get enough of. I need to go find her and see where her head is at with all this. I sit up and grab my pistol from the table, placing it in my holster. I smirk at Bobby and laugh.

  “Dani is mine and that baby is mine, regardless of my corrupted DNA,” I say to myself rather than Bobby as I stand.

  Bobby’s mouth parts with surprise then grins wide.

  “So, are we good about before,” he asks rising.

  “Of course,” I respond with a grin. “Having someone else beat the shit out of you for me, was much easier.”

  I push the doors open and am greeted with a drunk Candy. She slides her hand up my chest and twirls a lock of my hair.

  “Hey, so I hear you are single again, baby,” she coos, smacking gum in her mouth.

  “Not even close,” I say, trying to escape her trashy bubblegum smell.

  She slides her hand over my crotch and squeezes.

  “I heard you and Dani are over,” she slurs.

  I grab her by the hair hard and pull it back, making her face me. “Dani could burn this club to the ground, and I still wouldn’t let you back in my bed,” I clarify carefully.

  “You gotta be kidding me!”

  I look over Candy’s shoulder and see a fuming Dani. I unlace my hand from Candy’s hair and push her away from me. Fucking great.

  Dani stomps toward Candy and me, her face red with anger. She’s going to kill Candy if I don’t stop her.

  “Dani!” I yell, trying to catch her attention, but she doesn’t slow down. I knock Candy out of the way and grab Dani by the waist, tightening my grip as I haul her down the hall.

  “Candy, get your trashy ass out of my club!” Bull yells.

  I push the bedroom door open and shove a hostile Dani in. “You are pregnant; you can’t be doing that shit anymore,” I say, pointing toward her midsection.

  “What do you care?” she mocks, cocking her head to the side. Her eyebrow holds stitches and she has a bruise on her cheek. Even under all the physical pain, she is still glowing.
She’s pissed I left her at the hospital, and I don’t blame her.

  “I needed to figure some things out,” I justify.

  “Right,” she mouths.

  “Why are you here?” I ask, trying not to sound like a prick but failing miserably.

  She whips her head around to face me. “My dad wants me to stay here.” She brings her hand up and plays with her bottom lip; she’s nervous.

  “I’m keeping the baby,” she whispers.

  I walk to her, the sight of her hurting worse than anything I’m experiencing. I grab the nape of her neck roughly, making her suck in a breath of surprise.

  I lift her chin so she’s forced to look at me. I lean lower and give her bottom lip a tender kiss. “I wouldn’t let you choose any other way,” I declare, my eyes staring at hers intently. I feel her mouth tremble against mine as tears begin to cascade down her flushed cheeks. The muffled lyrics from “Wild Horses” by The Rolling Stones pounds against the wall from the party.

  I rub my rough thumb across her delicate cheek, wiping away her tears; the last thing I want is to see her cry. I grab her wrist and peck gentle kisses on the tender flesh, my eyes never leaving hers. I trail my fingers with my other hand down her broken arm, the pads of my fingertips scratching against the pink cast when it makes contact. I can’t help but feel the fire burn deep inside at the thought of her being hurt. I’ll kill whoever did this to her.

  She grabs both sides of my face and starts kissing my jawline, her caring kisses making my desire for her soar. I kiss her pink lips as I walk her backwards to the bed.

  “Dani, you’re mine. That hasn’t changed and it never will. It just scares the hell out of me that I’m going to have to share your company,” I whisper, trailing my finger down her abdomen. “But if you think I was controlling before, you haven’t seen shit yet. You are going to start eating and resting more.”

  “Make love to me, Shadow,” she whispers. I want to make love to Dani; I don’t do it often enough. I can’t help it, though, because when Dani touches me, she releases an animalistic energy from me. I want to claim her ass with my handprint, leave my mark on her shoulder with my teeth, and make her legs tremble after I’m done with her. She kisses my lips and gently sucks the bottom one into her mouth. I growl in response and grab the hem of her shirt, pulling it upward slowly. She raises her arms as I pull it off, revealing her perky breasts. I smirk; she’s not wearing a bra. Being around this club has made her wild, I love it.